I became a christian at the age of 8 years old. I grew up in a broken home with my single mum and two brothers. I accepted Jesus as my savior in a dusty old run down public school classroom after school in a bible stories class my mum sent me and my brothers to. The lady spoke about these amazing stories from the bible like David and Goliath, Adam and Eve, Noah and the flood and then Jesus. She told me that this guy called Jesus who was the Son of God died for me and in my place to take my sins away and to make a way for me to be with God who apparently was my Father - I thought that sounded like a pretty bad deal for Jesus, dying so badly and all that - but if He was willing to do that for me I'm up for it for sure. Hey, I was 8 - I'd take anything that was free :)
I then went on to learn about Jesus and His ways and one of the biggest things that stuck out in His teachings was that He said the two greatest commandments that sit far above all of the ten commandments and all the prophets in the bible are to "love God with all your heart" and to "love your neighbour as yourself". I had huge problems with this though. I also grew up in a country where men are told that if you feel emotion you are weak. And loving yourself was a sign of arrogance. It wasn't that I didn't want to do this though - I had no idea how to love myself or others. You see I was broken. I was a young boy who hadn't been shown love very much and had seen so much pain so I had no idea how to love others or even accept love. I couldn't accept praise for anything, I couldn't be hugged, I couldn't even look in the mirror. I lived most of my life hating myself for the simple reason that I must be worthless - it was only logical - history has proven to me and by all the things that have happened to me it must be true. The voices inside echoed day after day reinforcing the same. I heard this concept of God being a Father but He wasn't that to me in my mind - all I knew was pain.
Through my teenage years I tried to cope with this pain by various and some quite dangerous ways. I lived life on the edge all the time. Pushing every boundary - and why not? What was I worth anyway? I may as well go hard, all the way past danger and reason. My worth was only in what I could do. This went on for years and years. I accumulated lots of things - money, cars, motorbikes, TV's - basically everything that people seek after. Yet I was in the depths of misery. I had everything - so much more than others had - yet I had nothing at all. The thing I wanted always escaped me and kept me awake at night. There was a hole in me that ached so bad. A hole that could only be filled by a Father. Then my life went particularly bad. I started losing my mind. I knew what was happening. I was caving in. Everything was collapsing into that hole and I knew I didn't have much time. Things were getting worse quickly. I went to see a doctor and she immediately diagnosed me with depression and anti-depressants. They only made things worse though. They flat lined who I was. I now felt less pain, but I also lost all my passion for life and anything at all. I became a walking zombie. I knew this wasn't that answer - it couldn't be. I said to myself "I can't and refuse to live the rest of my life like this". I'll share another time how God healed me totally and completely of depression and all my horrible addictions but I want to share what He did before He tore from me what tormented me didn't belong.
I had a family breakdown which was something that was just waiting to happen after the teenage years me and my brothers have had and how it affected my mother. I drove home one day and pulled into the garage. That ache inside was so bad, it was no longer an emotional or spiritual problem - it actually hurt in my chest and I was struggling to breathe. My heart was shutting down and I knew this was serious. As serious as a heart attack. Then it happened. Through the windshield I started to see my life playing back to me in slides like someone was showing me living photo scenes of my life. I saw my first job, my first car, my first motorbike. My first fight at school, my first bmx, the day my Dad left home. It kept going back further though. Flashing faster and faster. I saw my first day at school and myself drinking from the taps as a little boy, my first day at kindergarten climbing on the monkey bars and falling in bark chips. I saw myself crawling as a baby looking up with an innocent smile. Then lastly the scenes stopped and I saw a baby in a plastic hospital crib only 1 minute old with dried blood smeared across his forehead. I looked at the arm band and it hit me like a freight train. It was me. This defenceless smooth skinned little child lying there was me. Then I heard God say "When I look at you - I've always seen you as that. I loved you so deeply that day and have loved you long before you even existed. I am your Father." For the first time in my life my heart beated like it was meant to - in rhythm with my Fathers.
A stone cold heart now became a heart of flesh because of love. Why am I telling you all this? Because I never loved myself. And because of that I could never really love anyone else. Now that God has shown me that I am loved eternally, incomparably and radically by my Father in heaven it changed every single thing about me. Now I value myself. Now I know I am worthy. Now I know I belong. Now I l know I have a future. Now I know for certain - I....am....loved. And now because of Him and His love, I understand the two greatest commandments. Love God with all your heart and love your neighbour as yourself. I love myself because I choose to believe what God says about me - not what history, my emotions, my accomplishments, my friends, my family, my enemies or anything else tells me - only what He says and He says "I love you". And now that I love myself the way God wants me to, I can properly and freely love others. Obviously I now also love God with all my heart because without His amazing love - I wouldn't be who I am at all. God is love. God loves you. If you don't know God as your Father and would like to, call out to Him. He will hear you. And He will answer with love just as He did for me.
