I became a Christian when I was eight years old. My parents divorced when I was four and my Dad left home leaving my Mum to raise me and my two brothers. We grew up with not a lot but we never went without food and clothing. My Mum thought it would be a good idea to give us the chance to know God because she was taught about God by her mother when she was a little girl. Sadly my grandmother died when my Mum was only 10 and she was left to fend for herself in a family of 10 siblings and an alcoholic father. My Mum saw a small advert in the newsletter of the public school I attended about some Bible stories so she sent us along. I still remember hearing for the first time about David and Goliath, Noah, Moses and Jesus. I was told this 'Jesus' guy - the Son of God - came to die for me to take away my sins and to make a way for me to go to heaven. Apparently there was a guy there called God who was my Father too - weird. The lady told us we were all sinners and that we all needed a Saviour.
I had no problem accepting that, I was a sinner through and through and was actually pretty good at it too. She told the story how Jesus went through all He did and then died on the cross in my place. She said that if I pray and accept Jesus as the payment for my sins that He would be my Saviour and I'd have a home in heaven forever. I remember thinking "wow, that's a pretty rough deal for Jesus but a pretty good deal for me. Hey, if He wanted to do that for me... I'll take it!" So that day I prayed and became a child of God and was saved by grace. Best thing I ever did! The thing is this. I accepted Jesus as my Saviour but I never gave Him my life. God was my Father but I never really knew Him as that. And the Holy Spirit... well, He pretty much didn't even exist as far as I was concerned. So I spent nearly the next two decades doing my thing, living life for myself, making money, seeking pleasure, buying cars and motorbikes, keeping up with mates and all they had... but inside was a deep, deep ache. I hit a point in my life where nothing I did would ease the pain anymore. I had so much stuff, so much money, cars and things yet I felt so horribly empty.
I had terrible shameful addictions and was diagnosed with depression. My life went very quickly from bad to worse. I was put on medication for it but all it did was flat line who I was. The pain was still there, it was now just smothered under blankets of numbness. Even suicide crossed my mind quite a few times but thanks to the love and grace of God He kept me alive. I'll share another time how God radically healed me completely of depression in a single day and all my addictions in the following month but for now I want to share something very powerful that God did for me before He did that. When I was in the very worst point of my life when I couldn't sleep for days, the sun would hurt my eyes, every noise was like a jackhammer to my brain - God did something extraordinary. Something very unexpected. I drove home one day with the stereo blasting thrash metal as I normally did to try and drown out the pain in my head and pulled into my driveway. I turned off the car and through the windshield I saw a moving slide show of my life being played.
I saw the day I got my first job, the time I fell of my first motorbike, I saw my first car, my first fight at high school. It kept flashing faster now and further back. I saw myself in primary school drinking from the taps, then myself riding my BMX for the first time to school. As I was watching this a strange unfamiliar intensity was growing inside me, something I'd never felt before... Further back now. My Dad leaving home, me at kindergarten hanging from the monkey bars, my third birthday party, my first pet guinea pig. The intensity inside me now was almost unbearable. Then the last image came up... It was a hospital corridor and inside was a woman on the bed that had just given birth to a boy. To her right in a plastic crib was a small newborn only minutes old. I looked and saw on his wrist a name on the band... "Mark". It was me! Then I heard God speak to me "Mark, This is how I've always seen you. I loved you deeply before you were even born. I was there that day you entered this world. I will always love you. I am your Father".
That day I understood what that verse meant when it says we are adopted into the Kingdom of God and cry out "Abba Father". That day I finally met my Father. Tears streamed down my face as the pressure I described earlier now completely took over me. Like a dam wall that had been broken and the raging torrents flooding down - this 'feeling' now completely and totally consumed me. The truth is, it wasn't a feeling at all and it hasn't ever gone away. It was love. The love of the Father. That day His love completed me. It found me, filled me and its in His love I am safe. It's His love that protects me, guides me and feeds me. I will forever be a tiny hatchling under the massive and unchallenged wings of love that belong to my Father. I pray todaythat God blesses you with His love and opens your heart to how much you really are loved. Stay Gold.
I had no problem accepting that, I was a sinner through and through and was actually pretty good at it too. She told the story how Jesus went through all He did and then died on the cross in my place. She said that if I pray and accept Jesus as the payment for my sins that He would be my Saviour and I'd have a home in heaven forever. I remember thinking "wow, that's a pretty rough deal for Jesus but a pretty good deal for me. Hey, if He wanted to do that for me... I'll take it!" So that day I prayed and became a child of God and was saved by grace. Best thing I ever did! The thing is this. I accepted Jesus as my Saviour but I never gave Him my life. God was my Father but I never really knew Him as that. And the Holy Spirit... well, He pretty much didn't even exist as far as I was concerned. So I spent nearly the next two decades doing my thing, living life for myself, making money, seeking pleasure, buying cars and motorbikes, keeping up with mates and all they had... but inside was a deep, deep ache. I hit a point in my life where nothing I did would ease the pain anymore. I had so much stuff, so much money, cars and things yet I felt so horribly empty.
I had terrible shameful addictions and was diagnosed with depression. My life went very quickly from bad to worse. I was put on medication for it but all it did was flat line who I was. The pain was still there, it was now just smothered under blankets of numbness. Even suicide crossed my mind quite a few times but thanks to the love and grace of God He kept me alive. I'll share another time how God radically healed me completely of depression in a single day and all my addictions in the following month but for now I want to share something very powerful that God did for me before He did that. When I was in the very worst point of my life when I couldn't sleep for days, the sun would hurt my eyes, every noise was like a jackhammer to my brain - God did something extraordinary. Something very unexpected. I drove home one day with the stereo blasting thrash metal as I normally did to try and drown out the pain in my head and pulled into my driveway. I turned off the car and through the windshield I saw a moving slide show of my life being played.
I saw the day I got my first job, the time I fell of my first motorbike, I saw my first car, my first fight at high school. It kept flashing faster now and further back. I saw myself in primary school drinking from the taps, then myself riding my BMX for the first time to school. As I was watching this a strange unfamiliar intensity was growing inside me, something I'd never felt before... Further back now. My Dad leaving home, me at kindergarten hanging from the monkey bars, my third birthday party, my first pet guinea pig. The intensity inside me now was almost unbearable. Then the last image came up... It was a hospital corridor and inside was a woman on the bed that had just given birth to a boy. To her right in a plastic crib was a small newborn only minutes old. I looked and saw on his wrist a name on the band... "Mark". It was me! Then I heard God speak to me "Mark, This is how I've always seen you. I loved you deeply before you were even born. I was there that day you entered this world. I will always love you. I am your Father".
That day I understood what that verse meant when it says we are adopted into the Kingdom of God and cry out "Abba Father". That day I finally met my Father. Tears streamed down my face as the pressure I described earlier now completely took over me. Like a dam wall that had been broken and the raging torrents flooding down - this 'feeling' now completely and totally consumed me. The truth is, it wasn't a feeling at all and it hasn't ever gone away. It was love. The love of the Father. That day His love completed me. It found me, filled me and its in His love I am safe. It's His love that protects me, guides me and feeds me. I will forever be a tiny hatchling under the massive and unchallenged wings of love that belong to my Father. I pray todaythat God blesses you with His love and opens your heart to how much you really are loved. Stay Gold.
[ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" - Romans 8:15 ]
