It's been nearly a month now. I had to step away from it all. It all got too much. Everything got muddy. Blurred. Foggy. Somewhere along the way I lost my reason. Everything I was doing was in reaction to the things that prodded and poked me and none of it was pure anymore. The words people said and the things they did haunted me day and night. I had become corrupted. I was told by God to step away indefinitely. No time frame... just step away from it all. In the past month I had to take stock of everything I was doing on here. Why was I here? Did it even make a difference? Had I just become some cliched entertainer just as my enemies in the past had thrown in my face? Had I become a marketable concept? Was I simply just a product to be consumed? I utterly despise all those things and at the risk of that being true I had to step away and closely examine myself and why I was here. It's been a very dark month. Like solitary confinement. But It was necessary. Isolation was needed to bring me the focus I desperately required. The words of my enemies assaulted and berated me day and night but God was there in it all.
In the amazing way that only He can - He used their words. This is the power of a sovereign God who is completely in control. Not even the onslaught of evil takes Him by surprise. Even the efforts of your enemies work in your favour if you follow God's voice. Unsurprisingly, He used their accusations to refine me - to correct me - to mould me. Like a sword struck, sharpened, and thrust into fire - I was being honed. It hurt... a lot. Losing the things I clung onto to so tightly - my vain, selfish ambition and false religion - but in everything I still followed Him and His voice. It was His quiet, still yet unwavering voice that led me through it all. The darkest night was last night. I had almost all but given up hope and faith. But it is always the darkest before the dawn... Absolutely true to His character, today He showed me what I needed to see. This afternoon, as I stood in a crowded room full of people God showed me a picture of myself on my hands and knees groping in the dark in a cave. His voice said to me... "Mark, how long will you hide in the darkness? - I made you for much more than this. You weren't made to hide. You were made to push back the darkness!"
It was at that moment I saw it and felt it. A sword on the ground in the dust. I grabbed its hilt and immediately its power coursed through me like the output of an industrial power station. Instantly He brought one word to my mind.... "REDEMPTION". I knew now why I was here. I had found my reason. My purpose. My message. My Hope. I had cried out to God this past month and said "I never chose this... I don't have what it takes... I can't do this anymore..." His answer to me was "You are right. You did not choose this. I chose you. When I came to you - you were broken, lost, addicted, hopeless and chained in a prison. You had no hope of ever setting yourself free. Your attempts to escape from your prison only made the walls higher and the iron door thicker. You could never save yourself or even help yourself. It was I - God - that saved you, helped you and redeemed you." He was of course totally and completely right. I can't describe to you the freedom that is to know your purpose again, your reason, and your hope. I know now why Jesus chose me. Not because I had any merit of my own but exactly the opposite.
I was hopelessly lost, chained and full of hideous demons that haunted me day and night. For Him to use me to even speak of His Name and His goodness only highlights the very power of His redemption. There is not anyone that can't be saved or redeemed. No matter what you've done - Jesus did more on the cross. He took more, faced more and went further than your sin will ever go. I had lost heart when God opened my eyes and I saw the hordes upon hordes of my enemies that plague and enslave this world - the dark spiritual forces that control areas, territories and countries - but that wasn't the full picture. There is a weapon that we of the light possess. Redemption... It is the very power of conversion. It has the ability to take even the worst and highest ranking generals of the opposing force and turn them into comrades of the light. Remember the story of the terrorist Saul of Tarsus who killed innocent women and children who then became the Apostle Paul sent by Jesus. Redemption... A weapon truly feared by our enemy and one that highlights the very power of God Himself. After all, it's the very reason Jesus came. Redemption...
